Our Autistic Life

{March 26, 2010}   Moving up, Moving on, or Just Sideways?

There’s been a weird vibe in the air around our little world lately. Not only has the universe seemingly been conspiring to make sure I don’t feel too comfortable in our tiny, dingy flat (Hell, I’ll never get the damn book done if I don’t focus!) but, I’ve been looking around at things and……I can’t help but to think I’ve taken us on a bit of a detour.

There is something to be said for living uniquely, so I’m not going to try and make anyone believe the last year has been a complete waste or loss. After all, we’ve managed to have some fun while also kind of getting things together for us. We don’t have nearly the pictures I’d hoped to have of Nella with her favorite movie stars, but what we do have is pretty cool.

Cool, but weird.

A couple weeks ago was kind of a big deal. I took her down a few blocks from our place before school and she actually managed to meet and have a photograph taken with Jack Bauer – aka Kiefer Sutherland. Cool huh?

Well, I surprised her with a framed copy of that picture and placed it on top of the television. My intent was to give her a way to gaze lovingly at it anytime she wanted without handling it, dropping it and breaking the glass (again). But, what’s happened instead is my growing unease. Why? Well, who else has a framed photo of Kiefer Sutherland on what is effectively their mantle space – the place reserved for family photos. Ok, you may be thinking that I’m OVER thinking all this, but there’s more to it.

Because we lack an actual mantle or even proper shelves, that photo is one that I end up looking at no less than 75 times per day! I mean, it cannot be helped; it’s right there! And, the thing about Kiefer that was genuinely surprising to me was how unbelievably, ridiculously, gorgeous he is. Don’t laugh because you simply have no real idea unless you’ve seen the man in person. Kiefer Sutherland is actually good looking in a way that is unfair to all the other men. (Which left me a stuttering fool and we’re not even going to get into that!)

So, seeing this photo all day long it’s seeped into my subconscious. It has seeped in and invaded my dreams. Not Kiefer mind you – Jack Bauer – because there’s always some kind of terrorist plot wrapped up in a Salvador Dali painting that leaves me both breathless and reeling from the fact that even in my dreams I’m completely commitment phobic.

Just think about it for a moment. The very first of these dreams involved city busses that crashed outside of my house and somehow dissolved into this powdery substance that was toxic to inhale. I quickly shielded Nella from the passing cloud, but then got up and ran to the front door to pull inside the people outside. That’s when I saw Jack Bauer himself standing just inside my door (dressed exactly the same as in the photo – as he always seems to be). I was so relieved that he was ok – seriously, I still recall how my heart seemed to freeze in my chest. YET, in the next breath I really needed to know just how the hell he got inside my house!

I mean, the most beautiful man I’ve laid eyes on in years – seriously, years – and I’m actually freaked out that he had a key to my house??!! Really, how does a person go from “My God, I’m so happy you’re alive!” to “And, just who the hell gave you a key??”.  Even in my dreams I’m a neurotic mess!

Yikes, and then there’s Nella – down to reminding me on a daily bases now that she’s not at all pleased that I haven’t yet gotten her a new father. Two days ago, as we watched 2012 she recognized John Cusack. For an Autistic that’s kind of huge. It takes so long for them to learn to recognize the difference between “man & woman”, “dog & cat”, “human & animal”. So, when she got those concepts down I really didn’t concern myself too much with her inability to recognize an actor from movie to movie. But, when she did on that night I was so shocked that I slipped up and answered honestly when she asked me “Is HE married, mom?”.

Crap. Now, she’s convinced he’d make for a good husband. And then there’s my sister. She’s the one who decided my soul mate was Michael Rosenbaum because he and I both really like Peanut butter Captain Crunch. My God, no wonder I’m terrified of a relationship!

Which, of course, brings me back to the original question – which way am I really going? I am currently trying to convince my sons that being in a relationship isn’t the be all, end all. Ok, fine. But, where is that line between living for a man and spinster shut-in? When did this all get so hard?

Hell, maybe the answer is as simple as living in LA will make you a crazy person. The only thing I do know right now is that moving sideways is at least not moving backwards. That sideways is a direction that can be steered into forward motion. Er, that and…..

Dear God Kiefer Sutherland is HOT!


Sire says:

Goes to show she’s growing up, and what the heck is UPS?

Reckon it doesn’t really matter how you look at it you know, as a mom, if it’s not one problem it’s another. As parents we all have to deal with one thing or another.

twilighthotel says:

That’s so the truth, Sire! If it’s not one thing it’s another! And, with Nella there is never a lacking of some kind of drama. As for UPS – forgive me, they deliver globally, so I thought you might have seen them. They ship things large & small (United Postal Service) ;-p

Sire says:

Thanks for clearing that up, I thought it was some sort of American stork 😉

twilighthotel says:

It’s frustating Sire, because she really doesn’t know what she wants. Her concept of what a dad is is only from movies and seeing the other kids at school have one and she doesn’t. Even then it’s mostly due to the other kids and her feeling like that’s how it should be.

Sire says:

Must be hard for you, but I reckon it will all come good in the end. At least you’re always there for her, a lot of moms aren’t.

twilighthotel says:

It really can be tough because it pains her and there’s nothing I can do about it. I try to gloss over it now, but in the past I’d make jokes about how UPS doesn’t deliver dads anymore because too many showed up defective. Now she’ll tell me it’s not funny. All I can do is point out that we’re doing ok being just us and we don’t know what will happen in the future. That usually calms her down, but damn all these two parent households around here! LOL

Mitch says:

You know, what I found funny about this post was your mention of your daughter’s wanting you to find her a daddy. Seems when single mothers are young that’s what they want, but if your daughter was around 11 or 12 she’d be incredulous that you were even thinking about it.

twilighthotel says:

We’ll see, Mitch! I have no idea how she’ll feel later on, but this has been brewing for some time now. She’s only getting frustrated now. It’s like what I said to Sire – she really doesn’t have a real concept of what a dad is; it’s at least 95% that the other kids have one and she feels like she should, too. She’s so sensitive anymore. Like when Kieth Olbermann’s dad got really sick. In the weeks before he died she was pretty upset by it because she knows what it’s like to have a dad die – even if she doesn’t remember him. She kept asking “Is his dad dead?” and then adding “It will be ok. His dad will be in heaven with my dad and my dad will take care of him”. I can only hope she’ll move past this – I might not ever meet someone good enough for her!

twilighthotel says:

So true, Sire! We girls are lucky to not have those “sticky” dreams. But, as I explained to Nella, if I were to hook up with Kiefer, it would really piss off his wife! LOL

I’ve simply decided I need to quit worrying about my phobia and just do it Or rather, just do him! Whoever the him may be. ;-p

Sire says:

Don’t just do anyone, I still reckon wait for the right one to come along, and one will. Listening to hormones will only get you into trouble. I’m sure Nella would want her mom to be happy more than she would want a Dad.

Sire says:

Hotter than your average Aussie bloke spooky 😉

Nothing wrong with having the hots for Kieth. Shit if what they say about ‘The Secret’ is right you may actually end up with him, and if not, at least you can dream about it. At least you don’t have the problem of ‘wet dreams’ 😀

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